Thoughts Of A Misguided Miscreant

what do we di when its all said and done?

Wed, 04 May 2005 21:32:54 GMT

this is my last post forever, all i have to say is fuck most of u, fuck love journal, peace im out!

p.s. harry call me sometime to hang out

-Markus Arelius

The End

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 23:24:30 GMT

Yo, fuck livejournal, im out, im gonna go smoke a bowl, peace!

MArko-

are we going the right way?

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 09:07:08 GMT

hello all, its 4 in the morning right now and im awake cause i couldn't sleep, i kept waking up thinking someone was trying to steal my soul, now im awake and listenging to music going through this weeks events in my head. im quitting richs tomorrow, im gonna go work for my brother the last month of summer and the rest of summer im gonna be busy doing other shit. i think i reconciled things with john, we talked last night and everything seemed better....i guess.....i have a g/f now too, her names bethany anderson, shes a sophmore, shes really cool and pretty and everything. i have the worst headache right now and im gonna be tired all day, but whatever, im over it. fuck, i need a cig, maybe i can bum one off my mom when she wakes up.....idk man. nothing else is new really, i havn't quite yet given up on art, im actually getting better, like everyone tells me i draw really cool shit, but the problem/cool thing is i can only draw well wwhen im completely baked off my ass, it makes no sense, i can barely walk without falling over but i can still draw amazing intricuit pictures.....whatever dude, im proud of myself. i've been listening to this one artist lately called Moe, he's good, he's like beck kind of, yeah he has this song called "too fuckin high" i can really relate you know? btw, everything cool between my parents and i now, my dad doesn't hate and is finally getting happier and my mom treats me with respect and trust cause im starting to be less stupid and what not, shit dude idk, im typing really fast right now, its crazy! muahahahahahahaha!fuck what am i gonna do for 2 more hours! gah! well whatever, i think im gonna go try to sleep some more, pieces bitches

-Marko

dude did u fucking hear that?

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 14:03:26 GMT

Hey ya'll, its been awhile, a long while. i've been partying everyday ever since spring break started, so far i've got trashed everyday of break up until now. im out of "party supplies" so i think i might stop partying for awhile or just call jake and have him come over after work, he did leave his cell at my house........anyways....yeah, breaks been alot of fun. i watched harold and kumar go to white castle about 30 times, i liove it. especially that bush guy who was peeing next to kumar, yay crack heads!well anyways, just thought i'd update while im sobering up, so im gonna go to work now, peace

-Marko

Whats been goin on man?

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 15:44:30 GMT

Hello, eveyone. Its been awhile........i stopped updating cause i got sick of it and ever since i did my lifes been better, but i doubt its because of that. I got a job a few weeks ago, at richs restaurant, i like it, good money, good people, its all bongs and blunts. i got a new cell phone to replace my old one, its a virgin, my #'s 1-262-573-2145. Heather and i hate eachother now and dont even speak......whatever. i dont have a g/f, still single. my grades are very slowly going up thanks to more effort on my part, A- on math test biatches!(Mr. hatfield rules!) and jake for helping me understand how to multiply polynominals. everythings cool between me and my mom, we started getting along and she no longer acuses me of smoking "dope" in the house(cause i go outside). except the other day i was in the car with her and she looked at me and said "mark, whats been wrong with u lately, u like dont say much andu sleep alot, are u on tranquilizers?" me:" yes mom, but on the streets they're called tranqs and no one will take my babies away from me!!!!!!" Her:"oh my god!"..........god damn my moms gullable. ok well im gonna go shower and make a phone call cause i have work in a couple of hours. peace ya'll

-Marko

u can fool some people sometimes, but u cant fool all the people all the time?

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 23:05:20 GMT

sup ya'll, not that anyone noticed but i havn't posted in awhile cause i've been busy all week. yeah, it was a good week, this weekends gonna suck and next weeks gonna suck.....i asked someone out today that i really care about and she didn't say anything to me, she just changed the subject and laughed.....it really hurt me, but whatever. i probably deserve it.....i was happy every day all week and i've gone back ot being miserable again, man this sucks.....i need a fucking hobby thats not expensive....fuck man...idk. anyways....my moms been really nice lately, she wont stop bugging me to let her buy me stuff, but im un-materialistic so i dont like to have alot of stuff but she like was relentless so i asked her for an iguana jokingly cause i've always wnated one and she said yes....crazy stuff. cause i've beeen asking for an iguana since i was 7 and i've gotten every toher kind of pet instead, fish, mouse, dog, hermit crabs, turtle, guinea pig,bird, a cat for a day....yeah...fuck i just realized my room is messy as fuck and none of my clothes are clean, fuck, looks like im cleaning tomorrow, great.....ok well im gonna go cause all of u probably stopped reading at about the third sentance if u read this at all, bye everyone

-Marko

who knew amazing elastic plastic was flammable?

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 14:49:09 GMT

hey ya'll,well this weekend was a bust for me, i got ditched friday and stayed home sad and depressed(should have seen that coming). yesterday was boring, i had an emotional breakdown which was not fun. i went grocery shopping with my mom which was alright cause i kept hitting her with the cart thingy and it wasn't on purpose and she got really mad. the rest of the day i just chilled until my mom took me to walgreens to get me stuff for one of my projects, i have to do a project on one of my biggest hero's and i chose bob marley. so i have to do a poster board and a speech tonight....yay(not)....i actually think its a cool project though, minus the speech and how strict he is about the contents of it. i have a cool vision too for it, im gonna make the backround a beach with a big ass palm tree and a jamacian flag flying in the background too. and i got some cool pictures, like this one mural of his face on a beach and theres a lion under him and his hair has like pot leafs in it but u can hardly tell cause its blended so well, and i got a good one of him smoking a big ass jay. but anyways, yeah last night my mom bought that stupid amazing elastic plastic shit(my moms so fucking random), where u make those balloons that u can play with. well i was reading the directions and found out it's flammable which made me very happy, so i squeezed it all out of the tube and lit it on fire, that made my day. ok well im gonna take a shower or something, peace ya'll.

-Marko

why dont we all just sit back and let the music flow through our souls?

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 22:01:45 GMT

hey ya'll, today was good, it was really good actually. i skipped 5th and 6th hour and hung out with jeremy and kattie, we had so much fun. one of my better days. after school i got a ride from my friends sister whom which i debated on whether or not jesse mcartney is good....i argued he's a wannabe aaron carter and she argued he was "hardcore" and then i suggested she go to a marilyn manson concert where someone is always killed and she just laughed and blasted some rap, it was funny. they dropped me off at the piggly wiggly and i turned in my job application and the guy there was very nice to me. my dad and borther were supposted to come and visit this weekend but they re-scheduled for the like 4th week in a row. but idc casue i dont like my dad.....if u havn't noticed my l/j is alot cooler, thanks to kelsey, she just asked me for my password and i gave it to her and she made it look so amazing, plus my cool new icon, i have to admit though, i like the old one but this ones even better. i remember the day that picture was taken....that was a good day. haha, u know whats funny, i was telling my tutor this story about one time when i was high and he thought of the funniest thing ever, its like those mastercard commercials, he said "shit load of pot....50 dollars....bong...25 dollars....driving around baked and getting lost with ur friends....priceless. i sware to god i laughed for like twenty minutes, even though the prices were off a bit it was still hilarious and true. my tutors are cool. ok well im tired so im gonna go lay down and listen to some marley, stay cool.

-Marko

what happened to me?

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 02:14:21 GMT

hey ya'll, how was everyones weekend? mine sucked! i did nothing all weekend, i was gonna go hang out with kristy and elizabeth yesterday but for some reason i just didn't....later last night natalie and alanna randomly came over to my house like they tend to do sometimes, and we usually have fun....but this time was unusual....we left and we drove around cedarburg and grafton for about 20 minutes talking about nothing fun or interesting at all and then they took me home and dropped me off....it was fucked up...my rooms a mess, i usually clean it daily but recently i let it go and its horrible, i dont know whats wrong with me or why i wont clean it, idk....i havn't felt right lately...my father and brother are coming over next weekend to visit for my birthday....u know what that means! i get put down and depressed all weekend! yay! i hate my dad.....my brothers tollerable....he and i get along most of the time, it used to be we were nice to eachother for 5 minutes and then we'd be fighting but i think we grew out of that....idk....it might not be that bad cause i told my mom how bad my dad makes me feel when he puts me down and shit so maybe she'll keep him inline....who knows....i just hope i have a good week, i havn't had a good day in a while, i just need to be happy for a little bit....ok well im gonna go study i think (not that its any use) bye ya'll

-Marko

Why does it always have to be like this?

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 00:35:41 GMT

Hello everyone....Today was alright, im really depressed now though....i feel really shitty and i wanna die. I feel like this all the time and im wondering if maybe i just should die....maybe its better than this, i mean the thought of not existing sucks but hey, it might be be better than my life....idk...im sick of myself and the way i treat people and myself, im a horrible person....and i have no one to turn to....no one...im fucking alone. I just wanna crawl somewhere cold and dark and slit my wrists so i die slow as i remember the couple good times i had in life....yeah, i'll admit i had a couple good times but the bad was more present, and its never gonna change, no matter how hard i try or pray or whatever any of u suggest here when u post about im being dumb and things will get better and that im a dick or whatever you'll say....idc anymore...none of u do. idk....whenever im depressed i feel really horrible like i could die and its usually provoked by other peoples words or i'll just start feeling bad.....and the only way to make me better is to say the right words, but no one ever knows them....i know them, i know exactly what everyone could say to cheer me up, but if i told u what to say than it wouldn't make a difference, cause it'd be my words, not yours. but no one knows those words so im screwed until i meet someone who can tell me the right words i so desperately need to hear....or until i die, whichever comes quicker. and i know i can make one of those come true very quickly....or slowly, however i prefer. well im off to go do nothing and be nothing, goodbye.

what the fuck? i never get sick!

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 16:02:45 GMT

hey ya'll, yesterday sucked very very very badly. when i got home i felt strange, then at around 8 i started getting the chills and i felt like i was gonna puke. so when my mom gets home i tell her and she makes me some food and gives me ibuprofen.....i had crazy dreams all night and woke up now, i have a fever of 100.9 and i can hardly walk. so i took 1,400 mg of ibuprofen...i kind of feel better....idk...well im gonna lay down or watch t.v. bye everyone.

-Marko

Why no throwin frisbees at the sun?

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 00:32:37 GMT

Hey all, i havn't updated lately cause i figured no one reads my l/j so i didn't seee a point. but i have no homework and im bored so i feel like posting. The last couple of days have been very emotional. I'm still angry all the time but i'm learning to not focus on it and make it go away when it comes.....it hurts so much, the pain that anger brings me.....i just get so furious it feels like my temples are throbbing and my stomach and chest are on fire and the only way to get rid of it is to kill someone....i dont like it...it hurts, and yet i get even angrier everyday. i blame my dad and heredity....but anyways...slept all through algebra again...i got a tutor today, well actually two, they figured im so stupid maybe two could help, so i have a giant tall blonde basketball player, and a snobby mostlikely rich volleyball playing girl....they are nice to me though, and the guy is so dumb, he'll say something so obvious and the girl will call him on it and i'll just sit there and watch them rip on eachother....its hilarious, plus i do learn alot. i've been listening to alot of beck lately, his music really speaks to me, like the song "Mtv makes me wanna smoke crack." I can really identify with it. Hehe. But yeah, tomorrows wedsnday....and you all know what usually happens on wednsdays if things go as planned! yay! i'm gonna say a prayer for it tonight....even though i dont really ever do things like that...whatever. Ok well im gona eat my dinner and maybe go lift if my backs feeling better....ok bye ya'll

Why do memories hurt?

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 00:51:51 GMT

Hey ya'll, today was alright. nothing bad really happened. jeremy and i found the best secluded spot to chill and do homework and eat lunch. He, Kevin, and I ate lunch there today and almost got busted by the principal but Mr. Merkis came by and saved us before shineimin came so i thought that was cool. Plus Kattie made me about 2 full plates of brownies for my birthday....yeah and today i fell asleep in algebra and the student teacher was check home work and he came to me and i was out cold and he was like "mark...mark...do u have ur homework" and i woke up and screamed fuck and he's just like "sorry, did i wake u? do u have ur homework?" and i just gave it to him and put my head down. he's a really nice guy, better than Mr. Deidrich...that asshole. I made an attempt to say hi to juse today but i was blown off...no big deal. Tomorrow i might go to charlies party cause like 4 people invited me...i might, idk, i probably wont...i know me and i never really do something unless i like have someone to go with to the party....idk...i think i like this girl at my school, i dont really know her, but i met her through molly, i think shes really hott and nice, so idk...nothing will probably come of it...oh well. ok well im gonna go chill on my futon and eat those delicous brownies that kattie made and maybe if my delciously fat ass may feel up to it, i might go lift weights, who knows? i dont! yay for being oblivious!

-Marko

Why is it such a big fucking deal?

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 22:47:44 GMT

Happy fucking birthday to me.......fuck birthdays

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 00:15:48 GMT

Hello, everyone. I havn't posted in a while, not that there is not much to say....i've been listening to alot marilyn manson cause it makes me less angry(even though i am very angry inside), lately i find myself taking shit from people that have no right fucking with me....and i've become so pent up with rage i've decided to stop being a pasifist and starting beating the shit of anyone who fucks with me with no regret or thought. im done with everyone pushing me around, my parents, my "friends", people who think they're ebetter than me, fuck all of them, im sick of it. and i know i've said this before but u have no idea how serious i am. so fuck them, hahahahahahaha. well anyways, schools been ok i suppose. homes shit. im getting a job. i even made up a plan to get through my highschool years easier. ok well mansons calling to me so i must answer goodbye everyone.

-Marko

why does it have to be the same?

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 18:12:40 GMT

hi everyone, i've been really depressed lately, i was near suicidal yesterday....that was not fun. bailey almost died today too, she was running in the snow and couldn't find her way out cause the snows way above her head, and i was watching this from inside in my boxers cause i just woke up, so shes like freaking out almost drowning so i ran outside in my boxers and t=shirt and grabbed her....she's ok now, not that aanyone cares. i've been drug free for a month....i hate it. my arm started hurting, whenever i lift or it gets really cold, the bone in my left arm hurts, i think its cause i broke it in like 3 places about 3 years ago, it really hurts....my mom wants to take me to the doctor but i just really dont care anymore...im sick of being alone too, i wish i had someone to hold and tell them i love them, and be with....but that will never happen...im too fucking ugly and stupid and jerkish for anyone to like me or even consider going out with me....oh well, i guess i'll just be alone until i finally go over the edge and end it, hope its soon! bye everybody!

-Marko

do you hear that? in the distance, its calling to me

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 20:41:17 GMT

well today was boring, i woke up at like 8 and got picked up to go take an art exam, it took my five minutes and then i talked for the rest of class with my friends, then i went home and here i am, yeah....all my exams were really easy except algebra which i probably failed....oh well im over it. i've been meditating alot lately, it relaxes me, plus when i close my eyes and just let my music consume me its a great feeling, and no im not on drugs when i do it....but yeah anyways um....i have not much else to say...oh yeah, i changed the colors in my l/j i like them, ok well im gonna go peace easy all

-Marko

why do i have to be like this?

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 12:18:44 GMT

hey all, i just woke, i slept alright, i know no one probably readd this cause no one ever posts except nikkie but im gonna keep writing in it cause its a good habit. well i went to my therapist the other day and he told me i have alot of anger and if i dont work through this anger in therapy im gonna grow up and be a mean angry person.....this depressed me because that reminded me exactly of my dad....and i love my dad and all but god i CAN NOT stand him. he's the meanest person ever. but i think if i keep going to therapy maybe i can get over that shit. studyings been hell, i might be failing english....im really not proud of myself. but now im trying really hard but its too late. last night me and my mom sat in my living room and talked for a couple hours about what i was like when i was a little kid, half of it i already knew but i heard some funny stories, and she heard some of mine she never knew about. she told me when i was 2 there was a guy who lived next door with two little girls so he'd always bring them over and watch me and borther play cause he never had boys but always wwanted some, so one day in church i was 2 and i was climbing on my mom and she just let me and she was sitting at the end of the row by the pathway thing and i was climbing on her and i went up and over and fell out into the pathway thing an di just kind of sat there not knowing what just happened so my mom grabbed me and sat me down like nothing happened and that guy was sitting across from us and he started cracking up so hard he had to cover his face from laughing out loud. i thought this was a funny story. and one story i told her was when my borther an i were little and we fought when she wasn't home he wouldd hold me down, like pin my arms down and everything and spit on my face and not let me wipe it off, and then he'd roll me over and sit on my back and smack my head, and one time when he did that i kicked him in the back of the head, i brought my leg back and hit him and almost knocked him out. that was a funny day. ok well im gonna go sudy a little more before exams, bye everyone.

-Marko

why am i still here?

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 04:52:42 GMT

hello everyone....recently a wave of melancholy has swept over me, i feel like shit constantly, i feel theres a giant void inside of me, i want to die. this weekend has sucked, my life has sucked but i've always had hope, but im starting to wonder if things really will get better, i've been hoping things will get better all my life, for things to get good and things do get good for awhile but then they get ten times as worse.....its a horrible way to live. im just getting tired of it all, im lonely, im cold, im scared, im sick, i dont know what to do, im very depressed....i just wanna be happy, is that too much to ask for? for some fucking happiness? is it? i dont know, my mom always told me god has a plan for everyone and i wonder what mine is. is it to have a horrible childhood and then go off and have an incredible life after highschool and have all my dreams come true? or is it to become a junkie and drop out school only to die in the gutter of an overdose? or is it to kill myself and give up? i dont know, but i have my theory, my theory is things will get worse and worse and worse until the day when i am finally free, it will be the best day of my life, everything will go right and nothing bad will happen, the day after that i will die a horrible painful death....i honestly thing thats what will happen to me. but dont get me wrong, i want things to get better and i am trying but i dont see much of a point, not that im quitting, i just dont get it.....why do we all try so hard in life? why? shouldn't life be fun? why do we have wars? why do we kill eachother? why do parents beat their kids and tell them they're worthless? why are innocent people killed everyday? is there a god? whats my purpose? do i have a true love? why are people so cruel for no reason to one another? i dont know the answer to any of these questions...but i do have a question for you but i dont expect any of you to know either, how come the questions everyone knows the answer to dontt matter and the questions that no one knows matter the most?....its a crazy fucked up world, and im tired of living in it, im just really tired. but it doesn't matter what i think, im just another stupid spec of human waste on this god-forsaken planet who doesn't make a difference and never will, so i will say goodbye for now.I will probably update tomorrow or the next day happily and you will all forget about this post, if u chose to read it, and u will live ur life and never remember, so i guess maybe robert burns was kind of correct in his poem "to a mouse" but not completely....for i will be forgotten, goodbye

Dont you think this is interesting?

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 01:15:29 GMT

You Are 28 Years Old

28

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

what will they really think of you when they figure it out?

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 00:52:59 GMT

YOH! today sucked as usual, the bus ride home was good though, alanna was on the bus so we rode home togther and talked the whole time, i really like our conversations, i feel like i can actually connect with her in a conversation....one persons better than none. im really sad at the moment cause i left all my ornage juice out all night and it went bad..... im sad. i have two tests to study for tonite, one i know fairly well and the other i dont even know what were learning....so yeah. im really sick of being single, i just wish i had a girlfriend, someone i could talk to about anything and know they'll always be there for me and someone i can be romantic with, because yes sometimes even i can be romantic, eh, im just sick of being alone. well, i cant think of much else to say so im just gonna go work out and meditate, peace easy all

-Marko

Why cant things just stop for just one second so i can look and tell you how much i love you?

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 04:22:58 GMT

Well, idk....my lifes been pretty great lately, my grades are amazingly up and i dont mind trying for them, im in the best shape i've ever been in thanks to lifting, i stopped smoking, my mom wont stop telling me how proud of me she is.....so why am i so miserable? i dont get it....*sigh* im fucking tired and i can't sleep, sleep keeps eluding me, my stomach hurt all day, my kuckles are raw from punching my punching bag....i just want everything to stop for awhile and give me a chance to take a deep breathe and sit down and relax and not have to feel or be or anything....idk, i dont make any sense, i think im just lonely....im sick of being alone, its's a horrible way to live....well im gonna go lay down and wonder if anyone cares enough to comment, and when your reading this pretend like u didn't just read that last thing i wrote and ask yourself if you would have commented anyway....well goodnight and goodbye

-Mark

whats with me being all shy around girl now?

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 23:38:03 GMT

well, i had a really weird dream last night, i was with my mom and brother and grandma and all of my family, and we were at jurassic park and it was like a festival with stands and music and shit. so marilyn manson was playing and we all walk over to the front row and were all moshing, then my mom pulls out bong and starts hitting it, and me and all of my family are passing the bong around until my mom spills the bowl so i yell at her and she got mad and started tickling me, so the rest of my familt and everyone starts tickling me and im screaming for them to stop cause it was embarrsing, so finally i pull away and tell my mom to fuck off and i flick her off, and i walk away and she follows me so i just ignore but keep flicking her off so then she comes over and says mark, because of ur behavior today, ur grounded for 10 months no exceptions, then i started to cry and i woke up.....weird dream, i told my mom about it after i woke up cause she woke me up and she started laughing so idk....that dream scared me cause i even remember when everyone was tickling that marilyn manson was tickling my thigh and then he turned into a clown.....idk man, but yeah um today was ok, i was gonna go sledding with alanna and natalie but then only natalie came to pick me up so me and her just went, we had fun for like 5 minutes and left. so now im polishing my sword(not a sexual inuendo) and listening to downloaded music, well anyways, im gonna go cause im hunry and u know how much us fat people love food! ok bye

-Marko

why was tonite so fucking amazing?

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 06:11:04 GMT

tonite was so amazing cause natalie, alanna, and natalies sister came to visit me by throwing snowballs at my house, so we talked in my kitchen for awhile, then they kid-napped me and we went over to natalies and watched cabin fever and had so much fun just laughing our asses off! omg, u have no idea.....PANCAKES!.....PANCAKES! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! well im gonna go finish my laundry cause im responsible and drug free!(even though that has nothing to do with it but im happy about it) hooray! well anyway im gonna go so bye,

P.s.(this is for alanna and natalie) No Pancakes! What fucking pancakes?! omg....i love you guys so much!

Why must i be so stupid with my life?

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 23:06:57 GMT

Ok, well, today was alright, nothing special, this weekends gonna suck hardcore, im sick of living, ok im done with this entry bye.

-Marko